My hair is curled just so.
My makeup is flawless and yet natural.
I slip into my outfit and heels.
I’m ready for my night.
There it is again, that silence.
Just a few seconds is all it takes.
And my mind wanders to a place I don’t want to go.
Saved by the doorbell. I’m off to fill this silence with noise.

What a night it turned out to be.
The lights were low.
The music was loud.
Thousands of people milling about.
Mingling with him, laughing with her.
Drinking to escape.
Dancing to forget.

It should have been easy.
There were so many distractions.
But those few seconds of silence is all it took.
They gave me just enough time.
I didn’t want to go there.

No matter how many people are around.
I still go to that place.
A place I don’t have a right to go.
A place I feel foolish going to.

What is it that keeps me filling my silence with thoughts.
Thoughts of you.
Thoughts that don’t belong in my head.
Thoughts I want to get rid of.

Just because I’m not alone doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.
That has come to make perfect sense to me.
I’ve really been given nothing.
No reason to hang on.
And yet…I do.

How long can I continue to hold on to something that feels like it won’t ever be.
How long can I hold on without getting something in return.
A word, anything to let me know; like in the past.
The something I need was being given to someone else.
Someone who means nothing and yet means everything.

It has to end soon. It’s hurting too many people. I’m tired of this silence. Silence please, please go away.

CC

I finally found what I’ve been looking for in my notebook. This is what I’ve been trying to say but couldn’t remember exactly how it went so I just wrote my own version above. But this sums it up using very few words.

“But a woman without her man is alone, no matter how many others there are in the house. “

Period. Enough said.