I had such a nice dream last night. We ended up in the same place together. Your friend pointed out to you that I was there. You walked over and we talked and walls started coming down. We were sitting one person in front of the other. Kind of like being on the floor and me leaning back with my back against your chest, your arms around my waist. It felt so natural, comfortable, warm, safe, alone in a crowded room, like nothing could touch us…then I woke up.

Someone said this to me today and I just had to write it down. “Sometimes I think the more one searches, the farther away you get…..”

I have some goals for my life. Things I need to do to be truly happy. First, I’ve taken the steps I need to take to lose some weight that has crept up on me lately. I am involved with a group of people who have set this same goal for themselves. I think in order to reach my other goals of love, companionship, finding some place that really feels like home, etc. I have to do this for myself because if I’m not happy with myself or the way I look then I won’t ever be ready for the rest.

I know the words are Chicago and not Seattle…I think I fell in love with a city. I could definately see me living there. I actually miss being there.
Reasons to move:
1) The Harbor
2) It’s an aerobic city which is really cool.
3) Taking a ferry to work instead of driving a car.
4) The seafood
5) The opportunities
6) It’s not where I’m living now
7) Never too hot or too cold
8 ) I just loved the whole vibe of the city
9) My midwestern palate would have to acquire a taste for Seattle food. Too many herbal flavors I just didn’t care for.
10) cont…

Patience is something I’m not good at but when it comes to something that’s worth waiting for then I do much better.

My random thoughts…

I believe that it’s real.
I believe it will happen someday.
I understand the hard work that you need to do now for yourself.
I’ve waited this long I can wait a while longer.

All I need for now is the occasional spoken word letting me know it’s still the same.

Can I wait forever…no and I shouldn’t have to. Besides if it’s going to take forever then it wasn’t meant to be in the first place.

Can I wait a while longer. I don’t think I have a choice, my heart seems willing to wait as long as it takes. I can’t help the way I feel.

Do I love you? That is the one thing that I’m positive about. I hope you know this.

No matter what happens you will always have a piece of my heart. That I can promise you.

God, please tell him I love him and help us find a way. I just pray I’m not being a fool.
I don’t know why, when, how or if I should. All I know is that I do, I just do. I didn’t plan it or think about it, it just happened.

‘To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.’

When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

‘The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.’

I decided I would write down some things  Iwant to do before my life is over. I guess you could call it my Bucket List.
1. Parasail (sp?)
2. Whitewater Rafting
3. Ride on a zip line
4. Deep sea fishing
5. Get over my fear of riding on a motorcycle.
6. Hotair balloon ride
7. Africian Safari
8. Jet ski
9. Gamble in Vegas
10. See a Broadway play in NY.
11. Visit Chicago
12. Whale watching
13. Take an Alaskian Cruise
14. Run a 5K – training starts 4/1- because of the late season blizzards training has been postponed but I WILL DO THIS! I’m excited about it not to mention the health benefits and what female doesn’t want to be a size smaller?
15. Take another Meditranian cruise.
16. Attend a pro football game.
17. Attend a pro basketball game.
18. Attend a pro hockey game.
19. See what fireworks look like from a plane…or can you even see them?
20.
I better get busy…so much to do!

I’m sitting here watching The Bachelor and wondering how many times do we let the right one go for someone more exciting, beautiful, skinnier and end up getting our own hearts broken in the end? 

I bet it happens more than we might think.  So many people are hung up on the outside, wanting the one that’s sexier than their friends girlfriends, looks better in society and so on.  

FOLLOW YOUR HEART NO MATTER WHAT!  You don’t owe anyone anything, not a career, not a trip, not a car, house NOTHING.  But you owe yourself happiness.   Don’t make the mistake that Jason made on the show.   Do it for you, do it for me,  just do it.   He couldn’t stop thinking about Molly no matter how hard he tried no matter who he was with or what he was doing.  He tried to stay engaged and make it work but but couldn’t.  Love shouldn’t have to be “made to work”,  it just happens.  I totally know that you have to work at relationships I get that but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I can’t keep from thinking about you.   There it’s out there, I’ve finally said it.   You can’t change fate, I totally believe that.  You can put up roadblocks and obsticles but you can’t change what’s meant to be you can just bury it and be miserable and regret your choices.  

If you’re here reading this then you know too otherwise you wouldn’t be here.  If you’re not here then at least I got this off my chest.  I’ll never know one way or the other if you were here.

 I’m going to repeat what I wrote before which is what happens when I try to love someone else.

Happy Birthday Grandpa.  November 4, 2008 nearly 4 months have passed and  I still miss you and think about you every single day.

They say that God never closes one door without opening anohter.  He took away the most important man in my life.  Someone who was the closest thing to a father that I ever had.  Maybe, just maybe (finger, toes, arms and legs crossed) he’s ready to give me the man of my dreams.  Not as a replacement or substitute (no one could ever replace Grandpa) but as a life partner.

Quote of the day:
Behold the Woman  “Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”